"Oh yea, I've totally thought about doing a triathalon."

The following is the story of my Topanga Canyon Ride on Easter Sunday.

FLASHBACK:
March 28, 2010
Palms Cycle

Bike Shop Guy (BSG) "Hey we're doing a group ride every Sunday, you guys should come check it out"
Me "Sweet. What time? Will it be hard?"
BSG "Ha. No, we're lazy bikers here. Probably just 30 miles, no hills."

FLASH FORWARD:

BSG: "Hey, you're that USC girl from last week right? Glad you could make it out."
Me: "Uh, yea, that's me. I fixed my tire so that shouldn't cause any awkwardness between us anymore right . . . anyway, so where are we riding today?"
BSG: "Topanga Canyon"
Me: "Oh cool, that's pretty easy right?
BSG: "Yeah it's not too bad at all, I'm lazy remember and I'm a little hungover because I went out for Chinese food and I promised my girlfriend I'd pick up dinner for her but then I got to talking to my friends and the kitchen closed so I got in trouble and sat on the couch to drink beer all night long."
Me: "Awesome. So who else is riding?"
BSG: "Well, you, me, and these guys here. Guy1 is a triathlete just coming off an injury. Guy 2, he's a professional cyclist and racer. Guy 3, he does both. So how long have you been riding?"
Me: "Fuck"

I promptly sent the following text to Sunny: "At Palms Cycle. Me and 4 boys. God I wish you were here. I am so fucked."

Sunny's response: "Have fun"

And then we were off.

Thought 1. Mile 1.
Hmmm . . . these guys are all pretty tall and that guy's thighs are as big as my waist.
Thought 2. Mile 2.
These guys are moving pretty fast. I have to keep up.
Thought 3. Mile 3.
Bringing up the rear isn't so bad. At least get to look at all their assess while I'm trying to keep up.
Thought 4. Mile 4.
I wonder if they think my butt looks good in these shorts.
Thought 5. Mile 5.
These guys are moving pretty fast. I really, really have to keep up.
Though 6. Mile 6.
Seriously, these guys are moving pretty fast. I wonder where we are and where we are going. Where is Topanga Canyon anyway.
Thought 7. Mile 7.
No wedding rings. I wonder if I have blueberry bagel in my teeth.
Thought 8. Mile 8.
Don't look down now, but you have creme cheese all over your chest from that bagel. You should have figured that out at least an hour ago.
Thought 9. Mile 9.
Hmmm . . . We made it to PCH. That's funny. Why are we at the beach? Also, riding on a highway is not fun. This is not relaxing. Please drive carefully everyone. Also, these guys are moving pretty fast. I should really keep up.
Thought 10. Mile 10.
I really wish my lower gears didn't just break.
Though 11. Mile 11.
Hmm . . . moving away from the beach on Topanga Canyon Road. Good thing we're not doing hills, I'm pretty tired and sore from yesterday.
Thought 12. Mile 12.
Death. I want to die. I hate you bike guy. I hate you Guys1-3. Fuck you all. Ow. Fuck. Ow. Hate. Pain. Hate. Death. Hate. Pain. Hate. Ow. Don't stop pedaling. Ow. Death. Pain. Hate. Death. Ow. I hope they wait for me at the top of this hill because I don't know where I am. Die. Hate. Pain. Pain. Pain. I really wish my lower gears worked. Death. Pain. Hate. Pain.

FLASH FORWARD to an HOUR LATER

Guy 1: "Hey you made it"
Me: "Go f*** yourself!"
(okay I didn't actually say that)
Guy 1: "Glad you made it to the top. We're taking a bigger hill home. You can do it.
Me: "Awesome. I'm doing great. I can totally handle this. I mean, that hill was tough but boy I feel accomplished"
(what I actually said, like the total dork I am)

FLASH FORWARD another HOUR

Pete: "You guys should really slow down on the decline. We've seen so many people wreck on this corner."
BSG: "Yeah, I don't even know what happened."
Mimi: "Do you want me to call an ambulance?"
BSG: "No, I just want to lay down."
Me: "Ummm, I think you're missing several square inches of your ass . . . "
Pete: "Oh yeah, just last week I pulled about 10 bikers out of a pile up. Not all of them made it. I mean, they made it down in a hearse is what I mean."
Me: "So Pete, what do you do?"
Me on the inside: "PANIC PANIC PANIC How do I get off this hill without having to ride my bike down? PANIC OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. SLOW DOWN EVERYONE DRIVING BY"
Pete: "I work in the industry. Mimi tutors french."
Police Officer 1: "Hey there, are you the guys involved in the wreck? We just got word of a car over the cliff at the top of this hill?"
BSG: Shakes head no.
Me on the inside: "PANIC PANIC PANIC. Mmmm. A Cliff Bar. PANIC PANIC PANIC.
Guy 1: "We'll take Sepulveda home."

FLASH FORWARD another Hour

BSG is safe in his gf's arms on the way to the hospital. Don't worry. He's fine. He just happened to be flying down the downhill parts of Topanga at a cool 35 mph when he drifted into the side of a cliff and lost his traction on some minor land side rubble. Two good kart wheels later he landed "safely" in Mimi's garden, his bike 10 yards down the road, his helmet 2 yards up the road. I, of course, witnessed none of this since I was coasting down Old Topanga Canyon at a cool 15 mph. Like a GIRL. A SAFE and HEALTHY GIRL with 4 working limbs. Seriously though. Topanga Canyon is beautiful but I did not need to hear about all the people who have died riding their bikes there as a novice biker. Seriously.

Now we're headed what I am told will be "downhill the rest of the way home" and what ends up being "uphill for the next two hours."

Me on the outside this time "F*** you guys."

Seriously. I can't even begin to describe the sheer desperation and pain that I was experiencing while trying to ride these hills at 15mph in the wrong gear. All I can say is that the most beautiful part of the hill is the top because that's when you know you get to go down the rest of the way. Unless that hill is Sepulveda. Sepulveda has a wind tunnel at the top of the hill in which you have to pedal as hard and as fast as you can to go 1 mph. At the end of the wind tunnel is an amazing and beautiful down hill ride which would be AWESOME save the 30 mph winds which require you to PEDAL HARDER than you had to when you were going up the damn hill. Is that even possible? Yes. It's effing possible and it is the worst experience in the world.

FAST FORWARD to 3:00pm.
Palms Cycle.

Guy 1: "Hey that was fun. You did a good job. You should come back."
Me: "Thanks. I hate you."
(not what I actually said)
Me: "Thanks, I'm not free next Sunday but maybe the weekend after."
(what I actually said)

Me: "Hi Sunny. We made it. I hate everyone and I want sushi NOW. Meet me at Niko Niko."

Sunny: "Uh, ok"

Me: "Hi Sunny. Niko Niko appears to be closed and I might kill something. Consider yourself warned."

Sunny: "Uh oh, ok"

FAST FORWARD to SUNDAY NIGHT

My house.
Hot date.
Not with a triathlete.

Me: "Hey I rode up a canyon today. It sucked. Want to see the bicycle seat shaped black and blue bruise on my ass?"

Hot Date: "Ummmmmm. No. [Awkward Silence] It's $17.50 for the pizza, maam."

6 hours. 50 miles. Not Fun. If I had done this before signing up for ALC9 I would never ever sign up for ALC9. Of course, I'm hardly a quitter, so onward we go. 57 days of training left.